Introduction

April 1983 

At the age of 18, I walked on a tennis court at UCLA an undefeated freshman, having won my first 22 dual matches, leaving me one win shy from breaking numerous all-time Bruin records. A year later, I was living in my van, having essentially quit tennis to drink and drug around the clock.

What happened? 

The warning signs were there from early childhood that all was not right in my young world. I was a walking talking box of red flags. But institution after organization all missed the signs, from the USTA and UCLA, to the therapeutic and recovery communities, to not least at all my family.

In the pages that follow is the harrowing tale of a talented yet troubled teen's descent in to alcoholism, addiction, bipolar disorder and eventually madness. 

I made it out alive, but barely...

Addiction by itself exists beyond the rational world, trying to understand it as an outsider is near futile. Its not all that much easier as an insider.

Add in depression, a nebulous all encompassing pain, the depths of which are unimaginable for those not similarly afflicted.

Top that off with intense bouts of mania, the fuel for so much creativity and achievement, but which turned self-destructive and near deadly as I tried valiantly to tame it with narcotics.

All the while grieving a family lost. Mourning the living is a peculiar energy, for its impossible to let go of what's still possible. Its a wound that festers, with little chance of healing until I did. 

Alcoholism, addiction, bipolar disorder and grief. Now lets endure them all at the same time as a teenager, in a world not yet unequipped to treat the afflictions of such troubled souls.

That is what this book is about. What it was like, what happened, and what's its like today. To be so multi-afflicted at such a young age was beyond challenging. As a therapist of mine once said. I never had a chance. But what about today. What if a kid just like me rolled in to town in 2022 to the USTA or UCLA? Are the safeguards in place to help conflicted kids like myself. Can we as a society identify, prevent, and treat those with such challenges before they destroy their lives?  Are we as a society in a better place today to address the universally perplexing conditions of our minds?

People live three types of lives. A public life, a private life and a secret life. The oft strange workings of our inner mind make up our secret lives. Its in the secrets that danger lurks. Its where the toxic shame takes hold, mutating and metastasizing, taking over its host. And its all been near impossible to talk about.

Until now. In this book, I've made the hard decision to talk about it. As a society, we are on the cusp of a social movement, where the stigma of mental illness is finally being discussed openly in public by all sorts of public figures, from professional athletes to top performing artists alike. And though I never achieved athletic success on a world stage, I know from experience there are throngs of people whose experiences and challenges mirrored mine. 

And as the kids of today like to say, I come with receipts..

Writing a book is a horribly exhausting struggle, its like a bout with a painful illness. It goes with you everywhere you go, it becomes your psychological plus one. Very few among us possess the drive to reckon with the weight of where they've been. Faced with the choice, the ones who do are driven forward by some demon, namely the desire to be free, to make sense of experiences that don't fit neatly in to any box.

As I grow older and more ineffectual with age, I'm left with only my experiences to share. My hope in this book is to raise awareness about conditions our entire humanity struggles with but struggle even more to honestly and openly discuss.

And as the saying goes, if this work helps one person understand and manage their conditions better, it will all have been worth it. 

Peace